Self Sex Appeal Sabotage

Why don’t the boys like me! I lament (to myself as it’s not really an acceptable thing to say out loud after age 18). I’m intelligent and well-spoken and there have been more unattractive people in the world. But in reality I know why. It is because no-one is more actively efficient at behaviourally sabotaging any chance of romantic reciprocation than I. I present just a short list of things I have recently brought up/done/said at events attended by single heterosexual males with whom I probably should be trying to make a good impression:

  1. Begin afternoon BBQ by announcing loudly ‘Everyone! Good news! The Australian Radiation Protection and Nuclear Safety Agency’s UV rating has just dipped below 4 so it is now safe to sit outside without sun protection!
  2. Proceed to sit in the shade 10 metres from the group wearing a giant kaftan and a towel over my head and face until the sun is entirely out of sight, just in case.
  3. “O yes that guy was nice, he looked like he came from one of those Ebolan countries didn’t he”. Attempts to redeem self following epic verbal typo are unsuccessful.
  4. Friends and I animatedly tell the tale of the time I made a dozen people I didn’t know well participate in a funeral for a large goldfish I didn’t know at all, accompanied by my a capella rendition of Amazing Grace. Because stories like these impress potential new friends immensely.
  5. Encourage all to be part of conversation debating whether I could put in my Will that I wanted to be stuffed and displayed in my housemate’s lounge room and the legality of human taxidermy practices in Australia and elsewhere.
  6. Announce to the 4 others in my car en route to party “I don’t do periods! I think they are ridiculous! Not to mention sexist!” Use the phrase ‘murder scene’ more than once when discussing the concept of menstruation.
  7. Declare that fertility is unimportant as it would be much more efficient if everyone just bought their babies from Thailand anyway. Outline my plans to steal the children I want from baby bootcamp while their mothers are attempting burpees.
  8. Insist on walking everyone home so they don’t get ‘Jill Meaghered’. Spend walk home explaining the vast challenges involved in disposing of corpses.

Merely 8 of the 234 or so reasons I’m still single.

Irresistible #barhroomselfie

Irresistible #barhroomselfie

Coffeestagram

Aaaah Saturday morning. The weekend is new and ripe with promise. Perhaps I’ll check in on the social networks to see what my chums are up to!

Some hikes. Fitspirational! Some hangovers. Rofl! But most of all just a barrage of images of coffee.

Perhaps if your froth-art was this cool you could justify posting it.

The broadcasting of people’s cappuccino foam needs to stop. Every human over 2 yrs old residing in the western world knows what coffee looks like. They know what a takeaway coffee looks like, they know what coffee in a mug looks like, they even recognise coffee in those keeper cups those organised-enough-to-take-green-bags-to-the-supermarket types use.

“But my coffee’s interesting! My coffee’s at an even newer, more hipster café than the last!” No, it is not. Even if the barista was skilled enough to draw a little heart/arrow/aardvark into your cappuccino foam it’s potentially the 600th froth-carved heart/arrow/aardvark posted on the internet this morning.

What’s wrong with the good old fashioned posting of one’s head/dog/friend? Perhaps in the presence of something? It’s like we’re stuck in this paradigm where we can’t post our face because that’s narcissistic but posting something random might be weird, so a hot brown beverage is the answer!

Even to those who have boycotted the broadcasting of their caffeine, we face risk of being ‘tagged’ as coffee in any given social encounter. I am not a cup of coffee! I am a man!! Or in my case woman.

Share Status

I try and have a lot of public photos on my Facebook profile so that if I go missing, with 900 odd pictures, the public has the best possible chance of finding me.

Additionally, if I am charged with a serious crime I think it’s important for the media to have enough material to create an interesting narrative pertaining to my criminal potential.  As an avid reader of serious news, I enjoy a news.com speculative crime story. It’s very impressive what an enthusiastic News Ltd journo can come up with based on a pixelated DP, a status and a home town:

“Hailing from Charnwood of chicken-shop-murder fame and with a steely hazel-eyed grimace, Police will allege Justin Corrigal murdered Tahlayah Greenslade when she refused to let his pet iguana sleep in the couple’s lounge room.  The positive pregnancy test posted on Taylayah’s wall on Tuesday suggests she was attempting to banish the pet to make way for a new member of the family, with a recent status noting “a house full of lizard sh*t ain’t no place for a child”.

Regardless I strongly hope not to be wrongly charged with a serious crime.  It just doesn’t look great when a potential employer’s Google of your name yields 38,000 results of FOUND NOT GUILTY OF CHAINSAW MASSACRE.  Yeah, you got off, but HR probably don’t want to take their chances do they.

Booty Chafing

Butt Chafing, arse rubbing, bottom chafing, adult nappy rash- If your carriage has reached the dimensions that I’ve found mine in recently, you may have experienced it. Red discomfort, which turns to roar aggressive rash, and without sufficient caution, lacerations and chair-riddenness.

I chose to address this issue because while thigh chafe, arm chafe, bra chafe and breast chafe are broadly commentated on these interwebs, that of the injuries suffered when one’s but cheeks create friction is barely touched on. But it is my issue, my peril, the bain of my healthy lifestyle (and as one always seeking excuses, this one works well).

My worst wounds have been occasioned during acts of standing fitness, but I assume those susceptible could fall victim to the booty chafe in any circumstance where the elements of moisture and friction collide in one’s seat region.

In solidarity, and perhaps aide, to any who fall victim to this seemingly rare, yet debilitating condition, I have here collaborated my most successful treatment attempts and their varying levels of success. If there are any suggestions, or sworn solutions, ever so please do share them:

I did try the obvious, do-an-entire-workout-with-my-legs-apart method, but even for an awkward, shameless dame like myself it was too strange (and you can only do so many jump-squats without dying).

Commando

I adopted the commando lifestyle after I realised that it was my cotton briefs that were aggressively digging in to my rear-flab as I attempted to cross-train. In the absence of conceding massive weight gain and buying 3-sizes-bigger underwear, I simply skipped the garment.

Assessment- Improvement. but the carriage still chafes. Quitting underwear is ultimately not ideal in any circumstances. I have since bought hyper-sized sports underwear and increased comfort and social acceptability ensued.

Body Glide

Body glide is an anti chafing balm stick designed for serious athletes (like me, cough) and available at Rebel Sport. It can be applied to the affected carriage regions with highly favourable results. Unlike baby or Prantal powder, it creates a long lasting siliconey lubrication that all put prevents friction. HIGHLY recommend

Water

Shower straight after workout. To create a delicious mental picture I think the aerobic induced sweat contains salt which slowly eats away at your carriage creating sores/rashes/lacerations. Washing the sweat away immediately helps this.

Lose Weight

I hate that this has been the most effective remedy of all, despite it’s somewhat obviousness. The advice ‘lose weight’ is not given justice in it’s two tiny words. It can be and enormous and lengthy physical and emotional challenge and ultimately there are likely months or more of continued booty chafing on the path to losing weight anyway, and many report booty chafing regardless of physical size. But perhaps for those chafe-victims who are looking to lose weight, this relief could be another incentive to do so.

that is all I have to say on this topic right now.