Coffeestagram

Aaaah Saturday morning. The weekend is new and ripe with promise. Perhaps I’ll check in on the social networks to see what my chums are up to!

Some hikes. Fitspirational! Some hangovers. Rofl! But most of all just a barrage of images of coffee.

Perhaps if your froth-art was this cool you could justify posting it.

The broadcasting of people’s cappuccino foam needs to stop. Every human over 2 yrs old residing in the western world knows what coffee looks like. They know what a takeaway coffee looks like, they know what coffee in a mug looks like, they even recognise coffee in those keeper cups those organised-enough-to-take-green-bags-to-the-supermarket types use.

“But my coffee’s interesting! My coffee’s at an even newer, more hipster café than the last!” No, it is not. Even if the barista was skilled enough to draw a little heart/arrow/aardvark into your cappuccino foam it’s potentially the 600th froth-carved heart/arrow/aardvark posted on the internet this morning.

What’s wrong with the good old fashioned posting of one’s head/dog/friend? Perhaps in the presence of something? It’s like we’re stuck in this paradigm where we can’t post our face because that’s narcissistic but posting something random might be weird, so a hot brown beverage is the answer!

Even to those who have boycotted the broadcasting of their caffeine, we face risk of being ‘tagged’ as coffee in any given social encounter. I am not a cup of coffee! I am a man!! Or in my case woman.

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I try and have a lot of public photos on my Facebook profile so that if I go missing, with 900 odd pictures, the public has the best possible chance of finding me.

Additionally, if I am charged with a serious crime I think it’s important for the media to have enough material to create an interesting narrative pertaining to my criminal potential.  As an avid reader of serious news, I enjoy a news.com speculative crime story. It’s very impressive what an enthusiastic News Ltd journo can come up with based on a pixelated DP, a status and a home town:

“Hailing from Charnwood of chicken-shop-murder fame and with a steely hazel-eyed grimace, Police will allege Justin Corrigal murdered Tahlayah Greenslade when she refused to let his pet iguana sleep in the couple’s lounge room.  The positive pregnancy test posted on Taylayah’s wall on Tuesday suggests she was attempting to banish the pet to make way for a new member of the family, with a recent status noting “a house full of lizard sh*t ain’t no place for a child”.

Regardless I strongly hope not to be wrongly charged with a serious crime.  It just doesn’t look great when a potential employer’s Google of your name yields 38,000 results of FOUND NOT GUILTY OF CHAINSAW MASSACRE.  Yeah, you got off, but HR probably don’t want to take their chances do they.