Why don’t the boys like me! I lament (to myself as it’s not really an acceptable thing to say out loud after age 18). I’m intelligent and well-spoken and there have been more unattractive people in the world. But in reality I know why. It is because no-one is more actively efficient at behaviourally sabotaging any chance of romantic reciprocation than I. I present just a short list of things I have recently brought up/done/said at events attended by single heterosexual males with whom I probably should be trying to make a good impression:
- Begin afternoon BBQ by announcing loudly ‘Everyone! Good news! The Australian Radiation Protection and Nuclear Safety Agency’s UV rating has just dipped below 4 so it is now safe to sit outside without sun protection!
- Proceed to sit in the shade 10 metres from the group wearing a giant kaftan and a towel over my head and face until the sun is entirely out of sight, just in case.
- “O yes that guy was nice, he looked like he came from one of those Ebolan countries didn’t he”. Attempts to redeem self following epic verbal typo are unsuccessful.
- Friends and I animatedly tell the tale of the time I made a dozen people I didn’t know well participate in a funeral for a large goldfish I didn’t know at all, accompanied by my a capella rendition of Amazing Grace. Because stories like these impress potential new friends immensely.
- Encourage all to be part of conversation debating whether I could put in my Will that I wanted to be stuffed and displayed in my housemate’s lounge room and the legality of human taxidermy practices in Australia and elsewhere.
- Announce to the 4 others in my car en route to party “I don’t do periods! I think they are ridiculous! Not to mention sexist!” Use the phrase ‘murder scene’ more than once when discussing the concept of menstruation.
- Declare that fertility is unimportant as it would be much more efficient if everyone just bought their babies from Thailand anyway. Outline my plans to steal the children I want from baby bootcamp while their mothers are attempting burpees.
- Insist on walking everyone home so they don’t get ‘Jill Meaghered’. Spend walk home explaining the vast challenges involved in disposing of corpses.
Merely 8 of the 234 or so reasons I’m still single.